When someone opens up about domestic or family violence, it can be overwhelming to know what to say. What matters most is offering calm, caring support in a way that helps them feel heard and safe.

1. Believe them.
When someone discloses domestic or family violence, the most important first step is to believe them. Survivors often experience doubt or minimisation from others, so a clear “I believe you” helps counter isolation and self-doubt. Let them know they’re not alone and that you’re available to support them.

2. Listen without judgment.
Let them share what they’re comfortable sharing, at their own pace. They may not tell you everything right away. Avoid interrupting, questioning their decisions, or asking for proof. Focus on making the conversation safe and calm. Your role is to listen, not investigate or solve the situation for them.

Helpful things to say:

• “Thank you for trusting me.”

• “You don’t deserve to be treated this way.”

• “You’re not responsible for their behaviour.”

• “I’m here whenever you need me.”
  

Questions that return choice and control:

• “What would feel helpful for you right now?”

• “How can I support you today?”

3. Inform yourself.
Domestic and family violence can be physical, emotional, financial, sexual, social, or spiritual. No two experiences are the same. Learn from credible, survivor-informed sources so you can better understand coercive control, trauma, and recovery. Reliable knowledge helps you respond with clarity rather than assumptions.

4. Respect their boundaries.
Treat what they share as confidential unless there is an immediate safety risk or a legal duty to report. If you must take action, let them know beforehand. Respecting their boundaries helps rebuild trust and supports their sense of autonomy.

5. Offer support, not pressure.
Ask what they need rather than deciding for them. You can provide information about services, but avoid pushing them to act before they’re ready. Leaving an abusive situation can be risky, and they need time to plan safely.

Useful alternatives to “you should leave”:

• “There are services that can help you make a plan when you’re ready.”

• “You deserve to feel safe, and there are options if you want to explore them.”

For professional support in Australia, you can suggest 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732), available 24/7.

6. Keep checking in.
Stay connected after the initial disclosure. A simple message or brief check-in can mean a lot. Always ensure your chosen method of contact is safe for them. Respect gaps in contact, their safety may limit when they can respond.

7. Spend safe, low-pressure time together.
Isolation is common in abusive situations. If it’s safe for them, offer simple activities like a walk, a coffee, a movie, or quiet company. Be mindful of anything that could expose them to monitoring or risk from the person using violence.

8. Encourage rest.
Survivors often feel they must keep functioning at full speed. Remind them it’s okay to rest or take breaks from responsibilities. Recovery requires time and energy.

9. Offer practical help.
Everyday tasks can feel overwhelming. Offer specific, safe forms of help, such as:

• Dropping off meals or groceries

• Helping with school runs or appointments

• Assisting with household tasks

• Accompanying them to medical, legal, or support services (if they want)

If you notice signs of acute distress, encourage them to reach out to professional supports and help them do so safely.

10. Look after yourself too.
Supporting someone through domestic or family violence can be emotionally heavy. Speak with a counsellor or support service if you need to debrief. Staying grounded ensures you can offer steady support without placing your emotional needs on them.

11. Remember you can’t fix it.
Domestic and family violence is complex, and recovery takes time. It’s normal to want to “solve” the situation, but your role is to be a consistent, respectful support - not to take over or make decisions for them. If they pull back or change their mind, stay patient. What matters most is that they know you’re a safe, reliable presence.