Is my partner being abusive?
We would like to start by acknowledging that not all domestic violence and abuse is perpetrated by a partner. We use the term partner because domestic violence and abuse is most commonly perpetrated by a current or former partner. But perpetrators can be parents, siblings, children, housemates… anyone with whom you are in a ‘domestic’ relationship.
Do you...
Change your appearance or behaviours to avoid angering your partner?
Feel afraid of your partner?
Feel scared about how your partner might react to bad news?
Find yourself constantly walking on eggshells around your partner?
Manage your children’s behaviour so your partner won’t get upset with you or them?
Feel unable to leave if you wanted to?
Accept acts of violence as being “one-off” or “out of the norm”?
Feel confused - like your partner tells you things didn’t happen when they did, or like you are going “crazy”?
Do they...
Have to know where you are at all times?
Try and control where you go and who you see?
Accuse you of cheating or being interested in other people?
Isolate you from your friends and family?
Put you down?
Blame you for their behaviour?
Yell, withdraw emotionally, break things?
Threaten violence against you, your children, family, or household pets?
Hurt you, your children, family or household pets?
Early warning signs.
Domestic violence is not always obvious, and no relationship begins with abuse. However, there are some early warning signs (such as examples of attempts to exert power and control) that might indicate to you that your partner’s approach to your relationship is not a healthy one and give you the courage to get out early.
They make assumptions that ‘of course you would want to be with them’, even if you yourself haven’t decided yet.
They don’t respect your ‘no’ s. This could be no to a date, a phone call, moving in together or a gift.
They give you advice or opinions about your own life without being asked.
They get jealous or resent time you spend with others outside the relationship.
They pressure you into sexual activities you are not comfortable with.
They don’t apologise when they’re wrong.
They don’t take responsibility for their behaviour and how it affects people.
They don’t contribute financially, or they expect you to pay more than your share.
They show anger or violence.
They hold views that are prejudiced or discriminatory.
They display unpredictable emotions, swinging from loving to hateful or hurtful.
Blame Changer, Carmel O’Brien, 2016
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